


Tinder

by sakuracorr



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 03:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuracorr/pseuds/sakuracorr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post 4x08, "Here Comes the Judge". Kalinda has never had someone to protect before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tinder

_Your voice on that phone was not work, Kalinda._

1.

She's never had someone to protect before. She's not really the protective type. Kalinda will give out warnings, pragmatic observations about people doing things both she and they know won't end well. Sometimes people listen. They don't listen often, but sometimes they will.

Now she finds herself in a situation where she could probably use such an observation. Another Kalinda, even Leela, standing across from her asking, “What are you doing, Kalinda?”

And to this question, the most basic inquiry that could be made, she'd have to answer a quiet, equally simple, “I don't know.”

\---

It starts the week Cary is assaulted in the car park. She feels guilty when she sees the bandages, the purple bruise across his face. He should have had warning about Nick. Kalinda had known Nick was dangerous, but she had told herself that it wouldn't affect Cary. She admits she probably convinced herself that on purpose. She's private, and her thing with Nick says something about her she'd rather not have people know.

“Do you know why it happened?” she asks Cary when they get the chance to talk.

“No. I mean, the police are looking into it. Think it might be a pissed off client or someone we beat in court.”

She puts on a concerned expression. “I hope they find them. Do you want me to look into it? I mean, I'm doing this thing for Will, but I could...”

Cary shakes his head. “The world is a dangerous place, Kalinda.” He shrugs one shoulder. “I'll heal.”

Kalinda thinks her world's a dangerous place, and other people have the misfortune of getting involved. She watches Cary enter his office. Inside Alicia is standing next to her desk with her phone to her ear.

At least she's done that much, she's told Alicia. Not all of it, not about what happened with Cary, but Alicia knows about Nick.

It is a busy day, and Kalinda is relieved when she doesn't run into Alicia much. It isn't until she's getting in the elevator to head home and Alicia steps in beside her that they even have the opportunity to interact.

Kalinda moves so Alicia can press the button for the elevator, trying to think of something to start with that guides the conversation away from Cary.

“It's sad what happened to Cary,” Alicia says, conversationally.

“It is,” Kalinda agrees. She's staring at the numbers to avoid looking at Alicia.

“You'd tell me if there was something I'd need to know?” They look at each other, and Kalinda feels something heavy in her throat.

She nods her head. “Yep.”

“So it has nothing to do with him? With Nick?” Alicia asks, as if she can see through Kalinda, and it's disarming. 

“I don't know. It might... but I don't know.”

“Do I need to worry?” Alicia asks.

Kalinda shakes her head. “No.”

“But you don't have it under control?

She shakes her head again. “I thought I did, but now I'm not sure.”

“We could try to figure something out,” Alicia says. “I could help you figure something out.”

Kalinda shakes her head once more. She watches the elevator doors open. “This is something I have to take care of myself.”

“Then take care of it,” Alicia says, her voice not unfriendly but firm, before she leaves the elevator.

Kalinda doesn't leave the elevator until the doors start to close again. She stops them with her hand, glad Alicia is already a few meters away.

_“What are you doing, Kalinda?”_ She thinks of the way Cary looked in the office, the way Nick asked about her relationship with Alicia before this happened. She thinks about Lana's apartment and how the thing that precipitated both of these events was her voice on the phone with Alicia.

_“I don't know.”_

2.

Kalinda doesn't need to feel a particular way about a person to go to bed with them. To her, there is a very large separation between sex and affection.

Still, she doesn't know what she feels with Nick. Sometimes she thinks she's just mollifying him until she finds her next move. Sometimes he is the last fragile thread to someone she was, someone she doesn't want to be anymore, but it's powerful. The past is more powerful than Kalinda expected, though this is something she's had to learn before. It was a lesson Alicia had taught her, how much the past could matter.

When she kisses him, it isn't that she feels anything specific for him. She wants to control him. It makes it better that he tries to control her. She likes how it makes her feel in charge. She knows it is bad for her, that eventually it is going to cost her more than she wants to pay, but that doesn't make her stop.

Kalinda imagines this must be how pyromaniacs feel. Wanting something dangerous. Intoxicated by the unobtainable, the things that can't be controlled. The things that burn when you get too close. The things she can't seem to turn away from.

Sometimes she thinks Alicia is one of those things. Kalinda knows it will only hurt in the end, but she doesn't care like she should.

3.

Kalinda is trying to define Alicia, because defining her puts her into a box. Boxes are nice. Boxes have clear borders and definite ends. They can be closed and put into storage.

Alicia is not a box. She is... Like right now she is holding her wine glass and laughing. Kalinda is trying her best to seem normal, but she hasn't been normal. Not since Nick arrived. This scene is reminiscent of old times that they have never gotten back, which is what makes Kalinda feel the distance between them. In the middle of all this sits Alicia. Her day has been hard. She doesn't see the kids as much as she used to. At work she seems less emotionally engaged. Which is a wise move.

She seems so nonchalant now, almost relaxed. It's misleading. Kalinda is keenly aware that if she were to make certain wrong moves in the conversation then Alicia would act the same, but it wouldn't be the same. Her laughs would get short, take on a derisive tone. Underneath her words would be something more unyielding. It's a form of protection. Kalinda recognizes it because she used to have something similar herself. Maybe she still does, only it's been there so long, it blends in, and she can't find it when she goes looking for it.

She used to be good at composure; she used to not let anything get to her. When she looks at Alicia, she doesn't feel like she's that way anymore. What she does feel is vulnerable. In any other situation, Kalinda would have cut ties a long time ago, saved herself the hassle, except she can't bear that choice. The choice where they never have drinks together. The choice where she would run because she's not good at dealing with messes. She's good at walking through the middle of messes and ignoring the damage, except with Alicia she can't.

“Did you hear what I said?” Alicia asks.

“No, I'm sorry. What was it?”

Alicia smiles, like she's amused by something, but Kalinda can't guess what that something is. “It was nothing important.” 

\---

Kalinda is in Annapolis with Alicia. Their client had an old business partner who could help with the case. Alicia is doing the official talking, while Kalinda is seeing what she can get more unofficially.

It's late. Kalinda is in her hotel room going over what she's uncovered so far when someone knocks. Somehow, even though they are staying in adjacent rooms, Kalinda doesn't expect to see Alicia when she opens the door.

“Do you want to get a drink?” Alicia asks.

Kalinda looks at the time. “It's getting a bit late.”

Alicia shrugs. “We're at a hotel.”

“Why are we drinking?” Kalinda asks, searching Alicia's eyes, trying to figure out the situation. Kalinda is good at reading people, but Alicia has gotten better at not being read.

“We don't have to have a reason,” Alicia says. “Sometimes we can have a drink...” She shrugs. “...just because we're friends.”

'Friends' has never gone back to fitting like it used to, but Kalinda isn't going to point that out. She feels like she shouldn't go with Alicia. There's no logical reason to feel that way, except her intuition is telling her not to.

“Okay,” she says.

They don't talk on the way to the elevator. Kalinda is waiting for something to tell her what's up, but nothing ever does.

Alicia throws her jacket over the back of her chair when they get to the hotel bar, and she orders a drink before she says, “I like hotels, but I hate being in them.”

Kalinda isn't sure if she's supposed to be able to make sense of that, so she says, “It's all the same to me.”

It's Alicia's turn to study Kalinda. “Why?”

“Because nowhere feels like home, so why would I care where I am?”

Kalinda can see Alicia mentally weighing the answer. “That's actually really sad in a way,” Alicia says, her words paced.

Kalinda shrugs it off as the bartender brings Alicia her drink. “It's the bar's specialty,” Alicia says. “Cary told me.”

“Cary knows Annapolis?” Kalinda stops the bartender to order her own drink.

“I know. I don't know, apparently he does.” Alicia barely misses a beat before she adds, “I miss talking to you. Really talking to you.”

“Then talk to me.”

Alicia shakes her head. “I don't know. I want to, but that's not the way it works.”

Kalinda wants to ask how it works. She wants to ask how she gets it all back when she knows she shouldn't want it back, because it's complicated. Because it's messy. Because Alicia is not a box; she is the opposite of contained.

It occurs to Kalinda, suddenly, that she is the box, shut away somewhere where no one's going to look, but it isn't something that should change. It's her nature. That is the way it works. She likes it. It's easy. She doesn't want it to change.

“Would you ever take a bullet for someone?” Kalinda asks. A couple of weeks ago they had a case where that was what the client claimed had happened. The intruder had been aiming the gun, and the wife stepped in front of it for him. Except they couldn't find evidence that there was an intruder. What they did find was evidence that the bullet matched the husband's gun. 

“Like a bodyguard?” Alicia asks, frowning in confusion. “I mean, what is the situation?”

“Any situation.” The bartender delivers Kalinda's drink. She lets it sit in front of her.

“Of course,” Alicia says. “But I have kids.”

“Otherwise?” Kalinda asks.

“Otherwise, I don't know,” Alicia says. “I'd have to be there.” She takes a drink before she turns back. “What about you? Do you have anyone you would take a bullet for?”

The question feels like an aimed gun. “Maybe.” Kalinda has one hand wrapped lightly around her glass, and she concentrates hard on her fingers. “Like you said, I guess I'd have to be there.”

“Would it insult you if I said that I couldn't see you doing it?” Alicia asks.

Kalinda takes in the statement. The words don't hurt, but they feel heavy. “I think...” Kalinda hesitates, searches for the right words, but the right words aren't honest. Honesty here is too open. It makes her too exposed. Kalinda is a box.

She lifts her drink from the counter. There's only about two fingers, so she takes it down, fishes a ten out to toss next to the empty glass. “I think I'm tired.”

“Did I upset you?” Alicia asks, looking concerned. “With what I said?”

“I'm not upset,” Kalinda says.

It takes a moment for Alicia to nod. “Okay.”

\---

Alicia ends up at the door of Kalinda's hotel room again the next morning. “I didn't mean to imply anything bad by what I said last night.”

“I know.”

“Good,” Alicia says. She smiles. “I wanted to make sure you knew.”

Kalinda is in a weird mood. The kind of mood where she wants to confess something big to Alicia like it would fix something or change something, though she doesn't believe it will. Alicia is turning to go back to her room. “I want to be closer,” Kalinda says, her voice low. It isn't a big revelation, and she has to qualify it with, “I don't mean anything major, I just-”

“I know,” Alicia says. “Me too. I meant it when I said I miss talking to you.”

“So what do we do?”

“We wait.” Alicia sighs. “We wait, and then one day, we'll be there again. At least, I hope we will.”

_You've changed._ Kalinda wants to say to her. _You've changed, and I'm not sure we can go back._ Then she is left with everything that says about her, how she changes but doesn't change, so that Kalinda feels like she could go back to being someone she was for Alicia. It wouldn't be pretending. Not anymore than usual.

Alicia is coherent. Alicia's changes are definite, because she has a basic understanding of herself. Alicia can't go back.

Kalinda watches her walk away. She wishes she could say something more; she's uncomfortable with what she has said.

4.

She's needed to keep a certain amount of distance since Annapolis. Nick is jealous, but he doesn't catch onto things very quickly. If she mostly interacts with Alicia at work, if he mostly sees them working together, that's what he'll assume it is.

It doesn't change the fact that she does work to protect Alicia from him. Kalinda isn't trying to decide what it means. It just needs to be done, so she's doing it.

“What is it about you and Alicia anyways?” Cary asks her one day.

Kalinda measures her words carefully. “I don't know what you mean.”

“I mean I have never seen you react to someone the way you react to her.” He gives her a look that challenges her to tell him it isn't true.

“And how is that exactly?” She knows she looks calm. She knows Cary can't see the part of her hoping desperately he doesn’t say something she doesn't want to know about herself, something she doesn't know how to deal with.

Then Cary gives her a look like he understands there are things she doesn't want him to say, so he is struggling not ask her something he wants to ask her. He puts a hand on her shoulder, frowning as he concentrates hard on her for a moment. “Take care of yourself, Kalinda.”

She stays in place as he walks past her.

5.

Nick has her cell phone in his hands, and he looks up at her with his piercing blue eyes, laughs to himself. "You know, I was pretty sure I had you figured out."

Kalinda stands there. She's not in the mood for this to be appealing. "What do you want?"

"It's Alicia, isn't it?" he asks.

She feels her heart beat faster, though she keeps her words measured. "What's Alicia?"

"I thought it was Cary, but looking back, guess he's not really your type anymore. Not really your type in the first place." His eyes narrow ever so slightly. "I didn't notice you looking at her that way while you were in the office."

"That's because there's nothing going on."

He nods to himself. "So you tell me."

"Because it's true. Because it's work."

Kalinda flinches when the phone hits the wall, but she stands straight, looking out of the corner of her eye as she tries to decide her best choice of weapon. She's not scared, though she really does think he'll hurt her. Nick is staring at her. "I haven't seen you look that way for anyone. Your voice, it does this thing where--"

"Shut up."

"You gonna make me?"

She opts for the blade in her boot, shoving him as best she can against the wall as she holds the edge against his throat. Because of the strength difference, she's aware he's probably letting her. "Yeah, I'll make you."

"You're being really defensive," he says. He looks amused by it.

"She's the State's Attorney's wife. I don't think I'd try anything if I were you."

They both know the hand she holds the knife with is shaking. They both know she is struggling to keep a certain desperation from being obvious, but it's obvious anyways.

"What does her husband think about you fucking her?"

She presses the blade in further, not so much it draws blood. "It's not like that."

He searches her eyes, unconcerned. "Why, Kalinda? She not as into you as you're into her?"

"I don't-- it's not like that." Kalinda is telling herself that as much as she's telling Nick. She wants to close her eyes against the feelings that are trying to surface, but she knows she can't afford to give him the opportunity.

"It's just work," he says, but he's mocking her.

"We're friends. You know how people can be close without sleeping with each other?"

She feels like she's gained some ground until he says, "But you want to sleep with her, don't you?"

Kalinda is trying not to think about it, because she doesn't need to think about it. Because she needs things with Alicia to work out. "I don't need to sleep with her."

"But you want to," he repeats.

She leans forward slightly, stares hard into his eyes. "Leave her alone."

It doesn't affect him. His gaze is as steady as hers. "You know what I want from you."

Kalinda shakes her head. "No." She feels the loss for a moment, of something she might have wanted once, but it's not something she wants anymore. "I've told you. I can't. I'm not that person."

"That's interesting." He moves her arm away from him, walks around the room like he's taking a stroll. Kalinda watches him, her whole body on guard, blade still ready in her hand. "She's straight?"

Kalinda nods. "Yep, she's straight."

"What's that like, Kalinda? Being in love with a straight girl?" He tilts his head to the side. "Woman, I guess I should say."

She shrugs. "I wouldn't know."

"I think you know very well." Nick looks at her. "Don't the two of you go out for drinks?"

"Don't you go out to drink with your buddies?" Kalinda smiles as she walks towards him a little. "Do you want to screw them, Nick? Is that what this is about?"

It gets to him. She can see the anger spreading over his features. "Don't you think it'd disgust her if she knew?"

Kalinda stops. "Not everyone is as homophobic as you are."

"Yeah, well I don't hate gay people, Kalinda. Doesn't mean it doesn't turn my stomach thinking about some other guy's hand on my cock." He walks towards her. "So tell me, what are these fantasies about her like?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," she says, taking a step back.

He looks almost sympathetic as he looks at her now. Nick runs the back of his hand down her cheek until she pushes it away. "Kalinda, Kalinda, Kalinda, I'd do anything for you, you know that? I'd do anything for you, and you're panting over some married lady at the office. Wouldn't give you the time of day. Doesn't make sense, does it?"

Kalinda can't seem to look away from his eyes. "No." It's hard to hold everything back, but she keeps herself held straight. She doesn't cry. She's not going to. Not in front of him.

"I can take care of it," he tells her. "Or do you still have some hope if you try hard enough, if you say please enough times, you're going to find some way into those nicely pressed suits of hers?"

She slaps him, hard, and he recoils, holding his cheek. She lunges to get to the gun in her nightstand at the same time he grabs for her, but she's quicker. Nick stops as the tip is pressed against his chest. "What? You gonna shoot me?"

"I'm thinking about it," she says.

He tries to kiss her, and she pushes him off. "Stop it."

"Or what?"

She's breathing hard now, trying to collect her thoughts. "If what you say is true, then why would I let you near her?"

"Because there's only one way to stop me, Kalinda, and we've gotten into some pretty good rows, don't get me wrong, but it's never going to end like that. As much as you try to pretend, you're not going to do it."

She's trying to decide how right he is. Why can't she let him go? It would be so easy if she could.

"Do you want me to do her for you?" he asks. "Tell you what it's like? Because I'll do it, Kalinda. I'll do whatever needs to be done. It's just the way I operate."

She believes him. Nick is telling the truth, because he usually does whatever he needs to so long as he gets what he wants. He's done it to Cary and Lana. He'll keep doing it.

As he's about to say something else, she fires twice.

\---

“Come on. I'll take you home.” It's dark outside the police station. It doesn't feel right, though Kalinda isn't sure whether she thinks more or less time should have passed, whether it should be morning already or only late in the afternoon.

Alicia is moving towards her car, and Kalinda is standing in place watching her. Alicia stops when she has her car door open. “Are you coming?”

“I think I should probably call a cab. Find a hotel,” Kalinda says.

“Come on.” Alicia nods her head towards the car. “You shouldn't be alone.”

Kalinda wonders what the more appropriate thing to do would be, go with Alicia or stay by herself. What would convince a jury? She's sure Will could spin it either way.

Alicia is shifting impatiently, but she doesn't look annoyed so much as ready to leave. “Peter has the kids. You wouldn't be imposing.”

Kalinda realizes the 'home' they'd be going to isn't her apartment but Alicia's. She's not sure if that suggestion is better or worse.

Alicia leaves her car door, and she comes and puts her hands on Kalinda's shoulders. “I want to do this. So say you'll come with me.”

Kalinda nods, despite herself.

“Good.” Alicia guides Kalinda to the car, opening the passenger door, and Kalinda isn't sure why she doesn't put up any resistance. Alicia seems satisfied when she closes the door and gets in on her own side, turning the heat up before saying. “Are you hungry?”

Kalinda shakes her head no. “You?”

“A bit.”

It's a strange conversation to be having after you kill your husband, but Kalinda isn't sure what conversation she should have.

“You're good at what you do.” She remembers how Alicia managed the interrogation. How assertive Alicia was.

Alicia smiles. “Thanks.”

Kalinda smiles back, not much, and it doesn't last long.

At home, Alicia takes out an apple, biting into it as she pours a tall glass of white wine. “Are you sure you don't want anything?” she asks Kalinda.

Kalinda shakes her head again, but she accepts the glass that Alicia slides towards her. It smells nice, though Kalinda doesn't know wine. Liquor is more direct, so that's what she drinks.

“You didn't ask me,” Kalinda says.

“Ask you what?” Alicia's voice is so normal, it makes Kalinda feel like she's having a dream, like she could wake up and none of today would have happened.

“Why I did it. If I'm guilty.”

Alicia puts down her glass of wine. Kalinda can tell she's thinking hard about her words. “I think you had a reason to, and that's... good enough for me.” She seems to think more as she rests one hand on the cabinet. “You're going to have to tell me things, as your lawyer, things that could help you, but as your friend, it's not something I need explained.”

Kalinda looks at her wine. “Alicia.”

“Yes?”

She looks up, and Kalinda feels exposed as she meets Alicia's eyes. “It wasn't self-defense.”

“Can we argue it was self-defense?”

“Yes, but don't you care?”

“That it wasn't self-defense?” Alicia asks.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to care?”

Kalinda hears the word 'care' in a more general way at first, and she looks at the wall, trying not to think of what Nick was saying before she shot him. “I'm not sure.” Kalinda smiles, looks at the ceiling. “He thought it was you.” She's sure she looks amused, though that's more defensive than genuine.

“I'm not sure I follow.”

Kalinda isn't looking at Alicia's face, so she can't see what Alicia looks like, if she's frowning in confusion or waiting for an answer. “He had Cary attacked, that night. It was him, but... it was because he thought me and Cary...”

“He was jealous,” Alicia clarifies.

“Yeah, but...” This is difficult, and she doesn't need to say it. They could win in court without it, so it isn't necessary, but she's tired. She wants it said. It doesn't make it easier. She's fighting all of her natural instincts to have this conversation. “He thought he should be jealous of Cary, but he really was jealous of you.”

Kalinda looks up, because not knowing how Alicia is reacting is worse. Alicia looks surprised, confused. “I don't think I understand,” she says slowly.

“He heard us talking on the phone, and he thought it was Cary.”

“But we only talk about work,” Alicia says, frowning as she tries to make sense of it. “I mean, sometimes we talk about other things, but nothing--”

“It was the way I sound when I talk to you,” Kalinda says. This is the most open she's been with anyone, and it makes the room feel too small. She wants to leave, but she stays standing in the same spot, waiting for Alicia.

“Kalinda, I'm sorry, but I guess I don't get why... Was he really that jealous?”

“He was,” Kalinda says. It would be so easy to leave it there, but what Nick said has stayed with her. She doesn't want it there every time she interacts with Alicia. She doesn't think she can interact with Alicia if it is. “Would that bother you?”

“Would what bother me?” Alicia asks. “If he was jealous?”

Kalinda smiles as she struggles to correct her. “If he was right.”

“Oh.” Alicia contemplates her wine glass for a moment. “Was he? Right?”

Kalinda is laughing now, quietly, to herself, to keep from doing something else, like crying. “Yeah, in a way, he was.”

Alicia doesn't look like she knows how to react. “I didn't know.”

“I didn't want you to know. I don't want you to know. I'm not sure what I feel.”

“So why then?”

Kalinda has to ask herself. She has partial answers, but the truth.... she shakes her head. “I don't know. I suppose it seemed relevant.” She is fighting to keep herself contained, and it scares her how much she's failing. She takes a breath. “Remember when I asked you if you would take a bullet for anyone, and you said you didn't think I could do it?”

They look at each other. Alicia looks sympathetic and concerned as she nods her head.

“Well, you were wrong.”

“You killed him for me,” Alicia says. It's more of a statement than a question.

Kalinda shakes her head. “It wasn't only about you.” She doesn't know how to explain it. She's free from Nick, but she's not happy that she's free. She needed to be free.

“I know what you said, but did you love him?”

She looks up at Alicia. Kalinda knows she is grieving for Nick. Maybe she's grieving for herself. A long time ago, she was someone else, someone who learned to be a box, and then she closed the lid and wrote a different name on the outside. It wasn't a problem until Alicia. Now she's being open again, and it's hard. “I'm not sure. I don't think so. I think I loved what he represented.”

“And what was that?” Alicia asks. Her voice is softer this time.

“He liked a part of me I don't think most people could accept.”

“Kalinda.” Alicia takes a small breath, lets it out. “I'm sorry.”

Kalinda shrugs.

“And I'm sorry, I don't know that I feel--”

“It's okay.” Kalinda looks at Alicia so Alicia can know she means it. “I don't expect anything.” The silence that follows is uncomfortable. Kalinda points at the door. “I'm going to go. Thanks for helping me out. I appreciate it.”

“You don't have to go.” Alicia puts her glass down and leaves the kitchen. It feels awkward to have Alicia come closer, but Kalinda knew it was going to be awkward when she confessed to anything. “This doesn't mean we can't still be friends.”

Kalinda finds that amusing in a way that isn't really that amusing. “I think we've been having a lot of trouble being friends.”

“I thought we were doing well,” Alicia says.

“I wanted us to do well.” She shrugs. “I... I'm not good at this. I'm better at being with someone without really being with them, emotionally. Even now, I...” Kalinda is meeting Alicia's eyes again, and she can't read the expression on Alicia's face.

“Well, I'm flattered.” She smiles when she sees the surprise on Kalinda's face. “I don't know what to do with it, but I'm flattered. Though, I do think maybe we should talk about this another time.”

“You mean when I'm not under criminal investigation?” Kalinda asks. She's joking, but she feels sober. She just shot someone. She just shot Nick.

“Yes.”

Kalinda nods. “That would probably be wise.”

Alicia gets blankets for the couch. They don't talk much, say good night, and then Kalinda is alone in Alicia's living room. She's pretty sure she preferred the hotel, but it's nice to have someone be concerned.

Cary was concerned. She probably has more friends than she thinks she has, but Kalinda's bad at reciprocating. The only time she's ever tried has been Alicia.

The day has been long. She doesn't regret things like she should. There's no room to regret anything. She takes off her shoes and lets her hair down before taking off her jacket.

She'd like to get a different name, go somewhere else, but this time, she doesn't think it would be so easy to leave herself behind.

6.

It's not hard to convince a jury it was self-defense. After the trial is over, Will decides to have a celebration at the office, but Kalinda is relieved when she can slip out before with Alicia. The verdict doesn't feel like a victory, Kalinda thinks as she stares at the tequila in her shot glass. She looks at Alicia. “You should be at the party,” she says. “You did win the case.”

Alicia laughs. “You mean the party that Will is throwing for you?”

“One of us should show up,” Kalinda says before taking down her shot.

“Let them celebrate. I'd rather be here,” Alicia says, looking at her own shot before taking it down. “I think we should have a new tradition. When we get each other off, we take shots.” She pauses, laughs again. “That sounds wrong.”

Kalinda tries to smile as they wait for the next round of shots. She's not happy, but she doesn't know how to explain it. She thinks it might have been easier if she had been forced to don an orange jumpsuit. “It feels wrong.”

Alicia looks over. “Celebrating?”

“Winning,” Kalinda says.

“We're supposed to win,” Alicia says. “That's what we do. We win.”

They pick up their shots together, and Kalinda closes her eyes at the slight burn of it going down. Alicia is using a lime this time. “It was self-defense,” Alicia says as she finishes. “You were protecting yourself. It was self-defense.”

“That's oversimplified.”

Alicia shrugs. “The law oversimplifies. People oversimplify. Why shouldn't we?”

Kalinda studies Alicia. Alicia is pretty in the lighting, the way it reflects off of her, the way she is laughing... Kalinda tries to imagine what it would be like to kiss her right now. With anyone else she would try, but it's Alicia. “Because it's not simple,” she says finally.

“Sometimes I think I'm getting to know you,” Alicia says, putting down her empty glass. “But I still don't think I do.”

Kalinda finds it ironic because if anyone knew her, it would have been Nick, but now it's just Alicia. She lifts her next shot, has it by her mouth. “I don't want you to know me, because then I have to know me, and I don't want that.”

She takes the shot before she speaks again. “I... don't think I'm a good person. I don't think it matters that I'm not. I don't know if I care if I had gone to jail because of that. I just...” She shrugs. “I want you to know me, but... it's difficult.”

In the office, after Annapolis, she expected Cary to ask her if she felt something for Alicia. She's never had another relationship like this, so it's hard for her to tell if what she feels for Alicia is in fact romantic. Most people decide these things by attraction, but attraction is not something Kalinda thinks of as exclusive. She would sleep with Will. She would probably sleep with Diane under the right circumstances.

But she doesn't want Diane to know her. She doesn't care what Will thinks. She could use them, and she would feel bad, but it wouldn't stop her from looking out for her own best interests. Even with Nick, whatever she did to him was acceptable, because that's how she is. She looks out for herself first, other people later. It used to be how she was with everyone, but then she hurt Alicia, and suddenly things were different.

“Kalinda.” Alicia's voice is commanding enough to pull Kalinda's focus back. “I think you're trying. I think that matters.”

Alicia's words aren't comforting. Kalinda's starting to feel the alcohol. She doesn't know why she's still thinking about anything too hard, except she hasn't drank enough for her not to.

Alicia gets up from the bar to take a call from Will. Kalinda watches her go before she gestures to the bartender for another drink.

\---

It feels like it was forever ago since Kalinda was last in her apartment. Alicia follows her in. “Are you sure you want to stay here?”

“Yeah,” Kalinda says, looking at the blank walls. All of her life was put away into boxes, but it never seemed to change how she felt about being here. It's all the same, a hotel, a jail cell, except this is where she killed someone.

Kalinda turns to Alicia. “Thank you,” she says.

“You're welcome,” Alicia says. “Kalinda, I...”

Kalinda gives her a smile; it's a sad smile this time. She's not trying to make it anything else. Somewhere in the city they are wrapping up her celebratory party. She's sure Will had a drink to her. They all seemed happy that she won. “Is it supposed to feel like family?”

“Is what?” Alicia asks.

“When everyone cares, is it supposed to feel that way?”

“I don't know,” Alicia says. “It doesn't to me. Family is obligatory. Everything else is... I think it's a choice. I think it matters in a different way.”

Kalinda nods as she takes another survey of her apartment. She feels subdued. “I used to think it was just work.”

“Nothing's ever that simple,” Alicia says. “Why do you think we simplify? Because you were right. It's not simple.” She takes her hands out of her coat pockets and looks around the room too. “Someday, you're going to look back on this, and it's going to be just what happened.”

“Do you feel that way about things?”

Alicia thinks about it before she answers, “Yeah. I do.”

Kalinda is probably one of the things Alicia looks back on like that, their whole fight, her affair with Peter. “I thought for awhile we weren't...” She stops to clarify what she wants to say. “You don't seem like the forgiving type,” Kalinda says. It comes out like a confession.

Alicia laughs. “If it helps, I'm glad I did. Forgive you.”

It does mean a lot to Kalinda, and she nods. There's a weight on her chest and a pressure behind her eyes from keeping them dry. She's looking at the floor of her bedroom. Nick is gone, and she wanted him gone. She wanted him to let her go. She didn't want it to happen like this.

Kalinda takes her jacket off and throws it on her bed as she sits down on the mattress. There has been so much she has felt in the past days, but now it feels distant. “Can you stay for a moment?” she asks Alicia.

Alicia nods before she sits down next to Kalinda. Kalinda notices Alicia is watching her, and she looks over in question.

“We said we would talk when the time was better. So let's talk.”

“Alicia, I--”

Kalinda doesn't expect the tight feeling in her stomach just before she feels the first touch of Alicia's mouth. It's excruciating. Kalinda imagines this must be what drowning feels like, and what she feels is as strong and dangerous as any current.

It ends like a sentence that has trailed off, nothing final, only the contrast of what was there with the silence that follows. In that silence, she has to remember that she isn't really drowning. That she needs to breathe. “I can't right now, with Peter and the kids,” Alicia says, her face still close. “I don't even know what I am saying, other than it's not a no. I don't know what it is.”

Kalinda doesn't feel like she can speak, so she nods. She leans over, her cheek barely against the thick fabric of Alicia's coat before the first sob escapes from her throat. There's so much she hasn't been letting herself feel, but people aren't really boxes, and she can't fight it anymore. She's crying so hard it hurts. It's okay because she's with Alicia. She feels safe enough to do it because it's Alicia.

It seems like forever that they stay there like that. She's sure Alicia must be uncomfortable from being in the same position, and Kalinda feels more tired than she remembers being in a long time.

It's technically the early morning when she gets up from the bed and sees Alicia to the door. She knows what Alicia is saying is accurate. For now what they can be is friends. “I'll see you at work,” Kalinda says.

Alicia nods. She starts to say something, stops, and then she laughs quietly. “I think it's actually going to be okay,” she says. “I think we're going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” Kalinda smiles back. “We will.”

After the door is shut, she leans against it for a moment. She's not entirely sure she knows what it is she's doing.

Today she will check out of the hotel where she's been staying. She will go get her things from storage, she'll set them back out in her apartment. Her life will be more or less like it was before Nick came to Chicago.

Except she feels less changeable than she was. She's used to protecting herself, but that's something she's slowly giving up. It's risky. She's letting herself have a lot to lose when things are easily lost. People easily change. Kalinda knows it's easy to be disappointed.

But it's Alicia. If there was ever anyone she was going to try for, it was going to be Alicia.

Kalinda gets into her covers. Outside her window are the usual sounds of traffic. There are people talking somewhere in the building in loud voices. She knows she's going to be fine. She just needs to get some sleep first.


End file.
